


forgive me that i live and you are gone

by OverlyCheerfulRat



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Chronic Illness, Gen, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 08:53:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25348009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverlyCheerfulRat/pseuds/OverlyCheerfulRat
Summary: Bucky went to war expecting one of two things: he would die, or he would come home to Steve. He never imagined coming home to an empty apartment.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	forgive me that i live and you are gone

"Don't do anything stupid 'till I get back."

"How can I? You're takin' all the stupid with you."

Bucky left Brooklyn a bright-eyed boy, ready to fight for his country, for freedom, and all those other things they told recruits. All those things Steve believed in. When he left the little apartment they shared, he was cocky and self-assured, happily telling Steve he'd be home by Christmas. "I'll see you when I get back," he promised.

"Or maybe I'll come meet you there," Steve shot back, drawing himself up to his full and thoroughly unimpressive height. "I'll write you as much as I can, though, 'till I get there myself." 

Steve did write, as often as he could scrape together the money to mail a letter. Bucky kept all the letters, and as the weeks turned to months they became the only thing he looked forward to. Well, that and the thought of actually going home, strolling through the door of that little apartment where his Stevie would be waiting. His intelligent, sweet Stevie, who would see the toll of the war behind his eyes but never ask.

When the letters stopped, Bucky didn't worry. Shit happened, right? Letters got lost, money was too tight to spend on stamps and envelopes. When there were no letters for over three months, even after Bucky wrote twice in one week asking for news, he made excuses. Steve was safe at home, what could possibly happen to him? (There were too many answers to that question, and Bucky couldn't dwell on any of them.)

The war was still raging when he lost his arm, but they sent him home anyway. An honorable discharge, the knowledge that he would never return to active duty, and the nagging mystery of the unanswered letters were Bucky's companions on the ship back to New York. 

No one answered when he knocked on the door of their little apartment.

The landlord's eyes were cold, cold like wet kindling after you've stomped the fire out. A gold star hung in his window and his gaze lingered on the stump of Bucky's arm. "Your brother's in the hospital, or he was last I checked," he said gruffly. "That was... about four, maybe five months ago. He musta found a cheaper place."

Bucky ran all the way to the hospital, and when he demanded to know where Steven Rogers was, the receptionist's silence as she dug through current patient room numbers was louder than the explosions and gunfire that still rang in his ears. "He isn't here right now, but I'll check our recent records," she said kindly. So Bucky waited. Part of him knew what they were going to tell him, but he just ignored it and prayed he could stand there forever. Waiting was better than knowing.

Tuberculosis, they said.

Quick, they said.

Nearly painless, they said.

Bucky stood at the grave for hours, crying half the time. "I was s'posed to be the one in danger, not you," he said, noticing how grass and flowers had already grown up. He didn't know if there'd even been a funeral. Mrs. Rogers was dead, Bucky'd been overseas, and who else was there? Maybe Bucky's ma, or his sisters, but how would they even have known? 

Bucky went to war knowing he might never see Steve again, but he never dwelt on it. All young men are immortal in their own minds, after all. On the rare occasions he did think about it, he always thought it would be because he died on the battlefield. He never imagined coming home to a world without his best friend.

**Author's Note:**

> banged this out in like 20 minutes so it's not my best work


End file.
